I am.

After a very long absence, I would like to say,
 "I am back."
 I would like to say,
 "I commit to writing on a more regular basis."
I would like to say,
"Life has calmed down somewhat. I have the time and energy to put my thoughts and feeling into words".
I guess I COULD say all this. However....it would not be true.
Truth be told, things are crazier than ever.

I am still a mom. Greatest job ever, I must say. All of the kids are living at home, although not for much longer. Gypsy is back from SUU. She only has a class of two left so it was decided for financial reasons, she would move back home, finishing the needed classes online. After 2 years of struggling to find a job in Cedar City, she was able to find one in St. George after only a few days looking. Working almost full-time hours has been somewhat of an adjustment, but she loves her job-working at a daycare with children ranging from newborn to 5 years old. Talon is finishing up his last year at Dixie College. To graduate with a bachelor's degree before turning 20 is quite an accomplishment. I am very proud of him. Sierra is in her senior year of high school. She is juggling 2 jobs, 1 online class, her regular school load and a boyfriend. She has come so far in the last year. I can't wait to see what this school year has in store for her. Sabrina is once again a member of the student council at school-Historian. I love reading her blog. Her positive crazy attitude is infectious. It is easy to see why her friends love her. Jens is much like I was at 12-lost in his books. It probably is partly because there really aren't friends out here within walking distance. His quirky self perplexes me. He is self-described as being Happy Crazy. And then there is Walker, who is definitely the youngest child. He does whatever he can to fly under the radar in an attempt to avoid doing anything. His kindergarten teacher's comment, "Walker will go to an inordinate amount of work to keep from doing any work," still applies.

 I am a wife. Can I brag here for a minute? Odean has lost close to 60 lbs since the first of the year. He looks amazing! People don't even recognize him any more. Even my kids have been heard to say, "wow...Dad's hot!" I would have to agree. He does look good.

I am a dispatcher. I was going to say I am a cab driver, but it goes beyond that. With 5 drivers living at home, 3 running vehicles... occasionally 4, and 8 people needing to be in different places at any given time all the while living 20 miles out of town, it can often be a challenging task to coordinate it all. My phone receives multiple texts throughout the day, reading-I need to be at work by 7. How am I going to get there. Or-Who's taking up to piano lessons today? Or-Can't Gypsy just stay in town tonight so I can use the car? Or my personal favorite-How much longer until you are done so I can go home? I think this week rather than having them give me their schedules, I am going to give them a copy of my schedule along with their dad's and ask them to submit a suggested transportation plan. Life skills. It will be a good thing for them to learn. Maybe will even foster a little gratitude for the little things I do that they take for granted.

I am a rider. Maybe this should say I WAS becoming a rider. In the spring I did some trade labor for a road bike. In the beginning I rode almost every day. I even cut back hours at work so I could ride my bike more. It was awesome! At the first of the summer I over-did it one day, pushing myself on a 50 mile ride. I had to take a hiatus for 6 weeks at my doctor's request. By the time I could ride again, the temp was pushing over a hundred degrees. Not much interest in being hit by a truck and horse trailer, while lying wounded in the road after falling off my bike due to heat stroke. Maybe when the cooler temps come around I will make it more of a priority to ride again.

I am an employee. I am still working at the convenience store in Santa Clara as well as doing the book merchandising at Kmart once a week. Although I have cut my hours back, I probably should consider letting one of the positions go. I have thought long and hard on this and have decided I can't. Ok...probably the more accurate statement would be that I am not willing to at this time. I love them both. I love the social aspects of working at Dutchman's. I get to interact with a lot of people who genuinely seem happy to see me. I know many of them by name. Some have even commented on the fact that I seem to have a fan club-a regular handful of customers who know my schedule and come in to visit because I am there. My book merchandising job fulfills my need to organize.  There is nothing remotely social about it. I haven't ever met my manager even. We communicate thru email and with the very rare phone call. Odd, I know. I am so relaxed when I leave.

I am once again a student of more than just life. 2 weeks ago I started my freshman year at Dixie State College. I am taking 14 credits which include-Human Relations, Interpersonal Communications, Library Science, CIS, English and Freshman Experience. I love my classes. I love my professors. I love being on campus. I even love homework. I thought I was busy before. I didn't know anything.

Ok...so maybe not before Christmas.

After having spent a couple of hrs trying to get new pictures on here, I remember why I quit updating on a regular basis. Who has time? It seems as if I am going to wait until I have an entire day off to be able to post the photos I have and write my thoughts. Hmmm...maybe I will have to hire Sabrina.

Forever

It's been ages, I know. I will be back. Back with new photos, an updated look, and with the many thoughts tumbling through my head-before Christmas. I promise.

Early Morning Rambling

It has been quiet in here all morning. Just me and the radio, a radio which once again forces me to listen to county music simply because it is the only channel I can find without static. I’ve been here for 2 hrs now. Maybe 5 customers total, if even that. Only five customers, that is, until I decide to use the rest room. I swear there must be some sort of outside signal connected to the toilet seat, a signal that tells all of Santa Clara at 7:30 in the morning to come get their diet cokes and fill their cars with gas NOW. I kid you not, I am away from the register for less than 2 minutes. I come back, there are 5 people lined up to pay for coffee or diet coke. There are 2 gas pumps screaming at me for authorization and a truck load of hay haulers heading in after an already busy morning for doughnuts. Of course the harassment immediately begins but that is fine. I expect it. I love this very part of the job; the locals. It is definitely the beginning of summer. Time to haul hay, gather and separate the herds; time spent with brothers and uncles; fathers and sons. I love that they gather here to begin the day or to take a break. I may not be a cowboy or ever have the desire to be one, but there is something about the camaraderie and work ethic that I admire. I love the traditions. I most certainly love the bull s#*t!

With graduation and my birthday I have been reminiscing a lot this month. As I was looking at the photos from the last couple months I couldn’t help but notice the differences between what my kids are doing for “dance dates” verses what I did. The biggest difference is that now the date is all day long. When did that trend start? My kids literally get up at 5am to begin the day. I think it may have been even earlier once. Anyway, they seem to start with breakfast before a day of hiking, rappelling, games, or whatever. They do allow the girls a couple hrs during the middle of the day to get ready, at least. The few dances I did go to were dinner and the dance. Nothing more. Oh wait, one did also include a brawl in the parking lot of the Hayloft-a restaurant, not a make-out spot…I promise. I do like that the activities they are doing are usually outdoor and during the day. I seem to recall some groups back in the “old days” watching videos & eating junk food AFTER the dances. The other difference between the kids and I is the size of the groups they are going with. I LOVE it! With one exception-the same exception that included the parking lot brawl-the few dances I went to only included me and my date. I love that my kids are with groups of friends. I love how big the groups are. It seems like the philosophy is the more the merrier. Maybe it hasn’t changed; maybe it was just me missing out. Whatever the reason, I am glad it is different for my teenagers.

It’s been fun having all this extra time now that school is out. I cut my hours back to less than half time at work. The kids have a couple weeks off before the different camps or trips begin. It is time to set some sort of routine for the summer. If the boys had their way, they would be on the computer, DS or GameCube 24/7. I have found the more time they spend with their electronics, the more anti-social they become. I am trying to find some sort of system that will allow them SOME time but not so much they withdraw into themselves. I have thought of allowing them an hr or so a day but only after completing a list of requirements but I hate the need to “police” and watch the clock. I also thought that maybe I would give them one day a week…an entire day. Again, they would have to earn the right to play by completing earlier said requirements the other days. Am I just too controlling? (Don’t say yes, I will just site all the reasons it isn’t healthy for them to be playing as much.) Does anyone else have any ideas? What works for you?

Reflections in a Mirror

I thought turning 40 would be a much bigger deal than it is. Happy Birthday to me. It seems to be just like any other day.

(2 days later.) I was at Cicely’s getting my haircut today. On her counter was a great picture of a kitten looking at its reflection in a mirror. The reflection was not one of a little orange tabby cat, but rather the king of all beasts…a lion. I had to chuckle a little bit. I could clearly see the message the picture was trying to convey-one of self confidence; one of empowerment. I was laughing, however, because the power of a beautician’s chair has the complete opposite effect on a woman. I’m serious. Think about it for a minute. Three weeks ago I was getting ready for work. After 30 minutes in front of a mirror, struggling to do SOMETHING with my hair, I give up. I decide it is about time for a haircut. After all, it has been a couple months. I have a good 2 inches of re-growth from when it was last colored. There is no shape anymore. I can’t get it to flip or curl under. Ugh! I look awful. I need to call and make an appointment. Well, life is crazy. I don’t think about it again until the next morning when I am again getting ready for work. So once again, first thing in the morning I am in looking at that stupid mirror telling myself how bad I look. It takes me a good week before I get around to calling for the appointment. It takes another 2 weeks before she can fit me in. By the time I sit in that chair, I have spent 3 entire weeks of telling myself how ugly I am. I don’t know about you, but once I start ripping on myself about one thing, it is easy to continue with just about everything else. “I need to lose weight!” “Is that another grey hair?” “Ugh! When did THAT wrinkle appear?” “Would you look at the circles under my eyes?” And of course the kids don’t help. My personal all time favorite, other than being asked when I’m going to have a baby when I’m not pregnant, is when Sierra asked me, “Mom? Why are your boobs in the wrong place?” I wasn’t wearing a bra at the time (something I will never do again, I might add.) By the time we actually make it to the salon and sit in that chair, we are usually so down on ourselves all we can see is every flaw, every wrinkle, every single grey hair on our head…real or imagined. As women, we are and always have been our very own worst critics. In jr high and high school we are constantly comparing ourselves to other girls. You would think it stops there, but it doesn’t. It continues on into college and even after we are married. The “real” picture should be the lion seeing the reflection of the kitten instead of the other way around. When I was about 15 or 16 (I could be totally getting the timing wrong), my dad would make us stand in front of the mirrored entry way at our house in West Bountiful. We were supposed to look ourselves in the eyes, and repeat the words, “I like myself!” 10x’s every morning before we left for school. I kid you not. I don’t know that it made much of a difference then, but now when I am standing in front of a mirror engaged with myself in a self defeating conversation, I remember those words and actually stop myself. (Ok. Maybe not all the time, but most of the time I stop myself.) Here I am now, 40 years old or celebrating the 11th anniversary of my 29th birthday, depending on how you want to look at it. I have found that over the years those self defeating conversations happen less and less. No longer is it a daily occurrence, well, except when I am in desperate need of a haircut. In fact, at 40 I think I like myself more than I ever have. I look back to the places I have been in my life, emotionally, mentally and even physically. I have done things I am not proud of, some even recently. I have made mistakes, made poor choices and I have hurt people. BUT…I have also made some very good choices. I have learned some poignant lessons from the mistakes I’ve made. I have learned to be patient, to trust, and how to forgive; I have learned to love unconditionally. I have learned that I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I will not always make the best decision as a parent and my children know it, but they also know I love them. They know I am trying my best…well, I hope they know it. I have learned that sugar is BAD unless my goal is to let the Mr. Hyde in me come out. I have learned that I will notice a difference in my mental health when I exercise long before I see any physical changes. And no matter what I do, I will NEVER have the physical body I had when I was 18…and I’m ok with that. At 18, I may have looked much better in a bikini but at 40, I am much more comfortable wearing one. So maybe I do see the lion when I look in the mirror…but it took me 40 years to get there.

Alright, enough of my rambling. Last year Odean got me the greatest present for my birthday. He bought me a badminton set. Can I tell you how much fun we have had as a family with it? We pretty much play every evening once the sun is behind the hill until the bugs drive us into the house…or until all of the birdies end up on the roof. We don’t play regulation but just volley it back and forth. The kids rotate in and out as others need a break or until someone hits it over the fence. Talon is always quite comical. He can’t just hit the birdie, he has to add a “ninja leap”. Maybe one day I will actually be able to snap a shot for posterity’s sake. During a big wind storm last summer the poles actually broke. As a late mother’s day gift, Odean made me some new poles out of pvc pipe so we could continue our summer evening tradition. By the time my birthday hit, we had were down to the last birdie. All the others had been played to death. They literally had fallen apart from use. So what did I get for my birthday this year? BIRDIES!!! Hooray! Let the games begin!

I’m not the only one who had a birthday this month. Jens turned 10 on the 19th. Because of conflicts with a school program that evening, we chose to celebrate the last day of his 9th year instead of the first day of his 10th. Rather than cake, we had a tower of donuts. Hmmmm, is it a tradition if we have had donuts for the previous 3 people to celebrate birthdays in our family?

Distractions & Jr. Prom

I’m trying to decide which has been a bigger distraction lately-my Cricut or Facebook. I could argue that it is good time spent on either. If I’m using my Cricut (“playing” according to the kids,) then I am exercising the creative part of my brain. I could also argue that I am bringing happiness to those I am designing for-whether my children, my primary class or the assorted friends I have made cards for. If I’m creating a scrapbook page, then I could say, “I’m preserving memories for future generations.” (Does that sound like as big of a load of crap as it does to me?) What about Facebook? I’m reconnecting with cousins & family members, actually keeping track of my brothers, sisters and their families, and even reacquainting myself with friends from the past-in some cases as far back as elementary school. As I was growing up, we had a pretty close extended family. Holidays were spent at my grandparents with most of the cousins. For those who lived in California, we would head out west most summers to spend a week or two on the beach with them. As we got older and our lives became crazier, it became harder and harder to get together. Pretty soon we were only able to visit at the occasional wedding. Now most of us are married and the funerals, thank goodness, haven’t started yet. I probably spend the majority of time catching up with old friends. I have thought of over the years. I am very grateful to have the venue to find these old friends, people whom I have lost touch with but thought about often. Some of these friends have played very pivotal roles in my life, people who have helped me become who I am…whether they knew it or not. Some of them I have even tried to track down on my own with no luck. The problem with Facebook, however, comes from me having so very little time for anything extra. Why is it I don’t have time to check my email, but I can find the time to get on Facebook which takes infinitely longer to even load onto my computer? Walker told one of my friends at church yesterday that I didn’t have time to make dinner anymore so I was making the kids cook. Wow…is that how he views it? While it is true that I am having the kids take turns cooking AND that I am very busy, the reason for it is simply to help them learn. Granted, Walker and Jens are both a little young, but they aren’t assigned their own night-they are supposed to help. If my 8 yr old thinks I am too busy to do my “mom” job, I have no business crafting or being on the computer.

I think Talon learned a few valuable lessons this week. First, don’t ever ask your girlfriend, “Do you want me to take you to Jr. Prom or what?” If she says, “Whatever you want to do, “ what she is really saying is, “Of course I do, but I want you to WANT to take me.” When she starts sending you pictures of dresses on your phone…she might as well be saying, “ASK ME TO THE STINKING PROM!!!!” It’s too bad he didn’t figure it out until 2 days before the dance. The dance itself was on Valentine’s Day. (Who on earth planned that one?) Talon spent the afternoon cooking and putting together a picnic for him and Allie. He packed the basket, grabbed a blanket, and headed out the door in his new suit (too bad he didn’t get a hair cut). Lesson #2-When you are having a picnic after dark in February, it’s going to be REALLY cold. Bring HOT food or skip the picnic altogether.

Best of Intentions, Walker turns 8, and saying Goodbye

One thing I have learned over the years is that during the rush and craziness of December, I always have the best of intentions for the new year. I know better than to make formal resolutions, but I find myself saying things like, “ok…forget the Christmas cards this year, I will send out a Valentine’s letter instead.” Or “I have got to get all this junk off my desk; I’ll take care of it after CHA when I have a minute to breathe.” Then there is, “oh yeah, I still haven’t blown the computer out this month…I’ll have Talon do it Saturday.” Or when I said, “I will be much better about blogging-no more of this once every couple months crap.” Not to mention, “I shouldn’t be drinking Mountain Dew. This will be my last one. Just one last swallow.” (Which is NEVER just a swallow; well, actually sometimes it is, but very rarely.) Anyway, it’s very sad. For each thing I think of 5 more come to mind. I have every intention of following through, but the reality of it is that I still don’t have time to sit down to write the Valentine’s letter (I’m doing this instead,) and I can ask Talon (again) to take the computer out to clean it but that doesn’t mean he will. And although I haven’t had any Mountain Dew for 2 weeks now, I may need it to stay awake today. My plan is to use the early morning hours on Saturday when I open at work to write my blog…not that I think there is anyone anxiously waiting to read what I have to say. I simply write as a way of keeping track of thoughts and events for future recollection.

January was a good month although it went by much to fast. Walker turned 8 at the beginning of the month. No party this year, which turned out ok simply because he was (is) still so captivated by the Nintendo DS he got for Christmas. He was thrilled with the tower of Hostess Cupcakes and I had been able to find the exact Lego set he had been asking for, (and let me tell you, it was quite a miracle.) Walker is a pretty laid back kid, very low maintenance. Give him a mint and a time to snuggle occasionally and he is a happy camper. He is extremely smart (especially when it comes to numbers) but lazy. A few years ago his teacher told me, “He will go to an exceptional amount of work to keep from doing any work.” He is such the youngest child…he knows how to work the system not only at school but at home too. He knows I am to busy to do the follow-up when I have asked him to do something. When the older kids are in charge, he is not nearly as happy- go-lucky, simply because there is no way they are going to let him get away with stuff they never could. And although he won’t admit it, he is already starting to like girls. In his second grade class, if he doesn’t take his homework back to school completed everyday he isn’t allowed to go to recess. I have him sit down everyday with me after school before he plays to get it done. He doesn’t, however, “remember” to take it back unless I have threatened to take the DS away on the weekend (it’s the only time he is allowed to play.) About a month ago, I was helping in his class. It was recess and once again he was sitting at his desk because he had failed to bring his homework back to his teacher. I noticed that the room was filled with little girls…about 7 of them, who also had failed to bring their homework back. I pretended to read while watching the interaction between him & the girls. Later that night I asked if the girls spent most of their recess in class, too. Yes. “Walker, is that why you don’t take your homework back to school, because you like to stay in class with those girls?” He didn’t answer, but the flushed face and the smile said it all.

Walker was also baptized at the end of the month by his dad and confirmed a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints by his Grandpa Allman, my dad. Walker was so excited to find out my dad was coming. When Odean & I pointed out to Walker that Grandpa Bowler had confirmed Jens and did he want to ask Grandpa Allman to confirm him, you should have seen the look on his face. (And I’m kicking myself for not getting a picture of them together. Obviously I was not thinking.) About a week before, Alesi Taylor asked Walker if he was excited to be baptized. His response? “Oh yeah, ‘cause all my sins will be washed away like Wednesday morning when I was playing my DS in bed under my covers when I wasn’t supposed to.” I guess I need to hide that DS better.

January has also been the end of an era, of sorts, for me. For the last 7 years I have been fortunate enough to have the opportunity to work with a marvelous group of people in the scrapbook & crafting industry. I started teaching at a local store at a time when “scrapbooking” was the rising star of past-time hobbies. I was there for close to 5 years when I moved away from the retail/consumer aspect of the hobby and began to work with a repping group covering all stores south of Nephi. (There were originally only 3 large enough to buy direct.) Anyway, twice a year I had the privilege of working for Creativity Inc. at the Craft & Hobby Association (CHA) tradeshows and then again at a couple other events a year. There was even one summer where every couple weeks I flew to another consumer show to teach classes for 3 or 4 days. It was always a nice break away from the kids and my “mom” life. I looked forward to wearing clothes I didn’t have to worry about peanut butter or mud being smeared on. I could sleep through the night and actually eat food while it was still hot, not to mention adult conversation for the entire week. I made some amazing friends, people who have made a lasting mark on my life in one way or another; people well worth the effort to keep in touch with.
As the industry has slowed down, I have felt a little lost. Those I started out with have either left the company or moved up. I have felt a little lost. I have had opportunities to move within the company but have felt strongly that “mom” should be my only career. Traveling a few times a year is very different than traveling monthly. As the company changed its focus away from the independents and more towards the box stores, I have had fewer orders to write and more time sitting at the shows. I have often wondered why I was there, not wanting to be considered simply a show “fixture” but not ready to say goodbye to my “other family” yet. My life has gotten increasingly busier as it often does as children get older. I have 4 teenagers and will have teenagers for another 12 years or so. It was so much easier to be gone when they were little. I never realized how much teenagers needed a mom to be there and available. Not just to take them places but to listen, to laugh, to help them unwind from the social pressures at school while they are trying to find themselves. (Writing this, I actually realize what a great disservice I did to Gypsy by adding pressure to her while I was gone. I should have stopped years sooner. Although I told her I would stop any time, I should have known would never ask.)
I truly expected that as I told my friends of my decision, I would become emotional and change my mind. It never happened. The same peace I had felt when I made my decision stayed with me throughout the entire show. I admit I did have my teary moments but I knew I was done and that it was for the right reason. I hope to still do occasional work for Creativity. Maybe the occasional ad for Hobby Lobby or design samples for the trade shows; I would even like to help with the annual Archiver’s event at Mall of America in September if my schedule allows; I just can’t bear not getting to see Wendy (photo left) and Iliana (photo right). I still love to scrapbook, probably more than ever, but as for the trade shows I’ve said goodbye. (Photos of Wendy, Iliana and my blog photo were taken by my great friend, Becky http://beckynovacek.typepad.com/live_and_learn/)